My depression makes me weak and vulnerable. It seems to come about at random, and lasts for weeks. I tried going to counseling, but i couldn't afford it after 1 month, so i have to ride these things out. I am still trying to figure out how to manage it, or at least take m mind off of it.
     I can feel it when it comes; this heaviness on my shoulders, my mind tearing apart at the seams, and my sense of being is blurry. I get really tired ( more out of exhaustion and stress), i become more pale, if that is even possible, and i cannot sleep. All of that i can manage, i have had trouble sleeping for about 15 years now.
     It is a cluster of things that happens at once. I cannot focus; my mind becomes numb. I get flooded with despair, fear, confusion, etc. I don't want to be at work, but i fear going home where i know i will be alone, then the anxiety of being around other people is worse; the staring, the constant questions. I know people are just trying to help, but i get so irritated so easily that i end up snapping. On the outside i just look blank, and on the inside i am just screaming. Sometimes its complete thoughts, other times its just screams, to the point that my throat hurts as if i was really screaming till i was out of air.
     The worst part of it all is being vulnerable. The walls i put up to deflect my pet peeves and little things that annoy or irritate me crash, and i drown in all these things that i can normally swat away. I start finding little joy in all things. I want to be left alone but at the same time being alone scares me more than anything. I am doing everything i can to fight it, but its a losing battle. Riding it out seems to be the only thing that works.I just have to keep hoping it will be soon. I keep hoping that something will bring me out of it.

I just keep hoping the screams would stop. Please.

I could steal jsut a wee bit more than Steph >>

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It kills me. My thoughts echo, my fears reverberate, getting louder and louder. Wondering why its there, wondering what i did wrong, then i freeze. Cant think clearly, cant try to be positive. Spent the first 2 hours of my raid having an anxiety attack. My heart is just now slowing down, but cold fear stabs my gut. All night im shedding tears off and on, head getting dizzy. I cant control it, cant stop it. I just want it to go away.

Its what rules my life right now. Cant sleep. Cant function at work. There isnt much i look forward too, mostly to sleep and forget about work and most things. Oh wait.. then the nightmares comes. Nightmares where i lose everything, ones where i see people die in my arms. I have been having anxiety attacks lately, too.

I am in a relationship with a fragile person, and im scared of causing more cracks or even breaking her. I get tense, then i panic. Its really a stupid thing to do. Its hard to just let things go and focus on the good, and work towards bettering ourselves. But by being selfish, i ruin things.

I dont know exactly what i need to do. Im seeking a counselor to try and get myself balanced out. Most days im alright, some days i just.. hide.. from everything. Alot of days i just stare at the wall, tears running down my face and i dont know why.

Bottom line is that i have to give more.. BE more. Be more than i am, and more than i can be...

Problem is im lost, climbing a mountain and i cant get my hands secure to pull myself up. The rocks keep coming apart and i lose my grip.

One thing i hate about my job is i sit in silence. That gives me too much time to think, and that in turn is like walking through a minefield while drunk and blind.

Everything was going well today. No ups or downs.. just streamline.

And then it happened.. I have put a lot of thought into a few things that have been troubling me lately, and i came to a realization. My average day went down the toilet. Any happiness that i could have had went up in a spectacular explosion. It just.. sucks. Now i cant stop thinking about it, its starting to bring me down, but im at least trying to level off. Maybe a long walk or something might help.

*sigh*

Someone in my other post (since this is #2) asked to hear more about this "someone" i mentioned. I am going to call her "A" for now, just cause i dont put peoples' real names out there without consent. So.. anywho..

I had heard of A from a mutual friend. The kind of  "oh you should meet so and so, i bet you guys would hit it off"  comment that everyone hears a million times in their lives. I did not look into it, i was already going through alot being treated like shit from the last girl.

On day while playing WoW i got asked by a few people in the Bears to do Ramparts, they needed a tank and i had just decided that day to dust off the pally and convert him to prot spec. I was asked to get on Skype to talk to the other members, though i detested straying away from Ventrilo. But i got on and had a very pleasant time, and something was nagging at my brain when everyone called the healer Shadow. I had heard that before.. somewhere. But i still wanted to talk to her more so i made it a point to talk to her more and get some outside communication other than WoW..

And from that instance we have talked every single day. I didnt even want to meet someone, lol. But when you arent looking you get hit upside the head. After talking to her the next day i realized that this girl was the one my mutual friend had talked to me about. We got along great, and became close friends very quickly. That is the funny thing, in most cases i would try to jump towards a boyfriend / girlfriend situation as fast as possible. I cared for her alot, so i didnt rush anything. It has made things so much better being friends before deciding on a relationship. It worked out great, and we are doing fantastic as a couple.

So onto what will probably get me a good beating...

She makes me laugh at any given moment.. usually when i am eating or drinking *shakes fist*  So many times ive almost choked to death laughing at something she said. Many times i have had soda, cereal, pasta.. etc all over my desk. We build on each other with laughter. Many times we are both winded from laughing at something so.. silly, stupid, insane. I honestly dont remember laughing so much with one person. It is one of the things i love the most about her. Hearing her laugh brings me alot of joy. That is one of the things that will bring me out of any negative mood.

A is amazing.. flat out. She is soooo damn smart.. smarter than me (which isnt hard >>). I guess there isnt much more to say... d'oh

A is gorgeous. I get in trouble cause i stare at her alot  on my visits ><. I probably shouldnt say more without embarassing myself or asking for a more severe beating... >>     <<. But yeah... gorgeous... GORGEOUS!! *flees*

*comes back*  forgot i wasnt done. I am in love with her. I confirmed that the first time i met her. We have been making plans for me to move next summer.. hopefully sooner.  I have been in love before.. i was almost married. The love i have for her.. and with her, is so much more, more than i thought i could ever feel. I think about her before i sleep, and is the first thought i have each day is of her. Hearing her voice is one of the greatest joys i get out of each day.  When i come home from work all i want to do is talk to her. And one day, all i want to do is wake up every morning and see her face. I look forward to that more than anything possible.

The first time i saw her cry it broke my heart. I want to be there for her every time she has a bad day. It sucks so much being so far away. Feeling helpless that you can hold her hand, kiss her, or even just hold her and keep her safe.

Well, i know by now she is reading this.. putting the postage stamp on the Anthrax, or giving Biscuit cab money.. but i will already be at work.. safe and sound >>
I also know she is having a bad day, so i pray that this is a pinhole of light on a dark day.

I love you, so much. You are the brightest spot in my life, and i hope that i bring you as much joy, hope, and love as you give me.

Love you A

Well, i have had this account for... a long time. This is my first post. Evar. So i guess i should explain some things..


    I work for a company that prints books. I work in our prepress department; a lovable  white room with white walls, white ceiling, and bright florescent lighting. I sit in front of a Mac all day going over files our customers send for us to use. It's nice, technically reading books all day, getting to be one of the last people to polish someone's work before going to press. Granted it comes with deadlines, stress, and having your family jewels on the chopping block on a daily basis. Been there since '05, second in seniority for my line of work.

    I live in a descent sized apartment i have been at for 2 years. Plenty of open space for all of my junk. my bedroom window overlooks our main street, and until about a year ago i slept with the amber glow of street lights at night. Other than some abusive, drug dealing neighbors, it been peaceful.

    Not much of a "social" life anymore. i work second shift (3 pm to 11pm) so i don't have a lot of time to go out or see movies or go out in general. Most of my friends work during the day so i catch glimpses of them on weekends if i am lucky. I do have a close group of night owl friends that i can confide in. I play WoW sooo much, the only real time i communicate with the outside world anymore. However, i have made so many friends from other parts of this world, so its nice to have outside opinions.

I was engaged 3 years ago, my high school sweetheart for 5 years. Names will be disclosed on most every topic, just to be considerate. The first girl i was ever in a serious relationship with, lasted until about 3 weeks before the wedding before i got "i think we should go our separate ways."  Then never spoke to me again. Fantastic. Since then i have had a pleasant string of failures; being lied to, strung around like a lost dog, even been told "i love you" while she played the same game with 2 other guys (yeah.. i know.. i'm a moron)

BUT i think i finally have a light at the end of the tunnel. Simply amazing how lucky you can get when you aren't looking. Not even CONSIDERING wanting to find someone, you get hit upside the head with a sack of bricks. Someone who actually understands me, who is in love with who i am, not what i have or what i can do. Someone who is on my mind when i wake up, when i finally fall asleep, and throughout the day. Just.. wow. I cant even begin to describe how happy i am, maybe because all i have ever had was small pieces of this, never the full effect. The closer i get the happier i get, and the fear of losing her, or falling off the bridge is there, just something i try not to think about. I want this to last forever, and will do anything to keep it. Something you have to hold onto and do everything you can, put forth the 110% effort. A big undertaking, but so worth it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Wheee. My grandfather died 10 years ago, just before my 16th birthday. The first person close to me to have died. I miss him so much. then the 24th will be 1 year since my grandmother died. That struck an even harder blow. So sudden. She called me to say happy birthday and that she loved me, and wanted me to stop by to get my cupcakes. She forgot i had just rotated shifts, so i had to pick them up the next day. I stopped by the next day before work to see her, but no one answered. I left a message that i would try again the next day. My mother found her dead a few hours later. It still hurts, the only thing that kept me together was that i said "love you" before i hung up. I am happy to be spending time with family and friends, taking my mind off stuff. Working.... again....  Third year in a row, but at least its money.

Anyways, im gonna stop yammering and go to sleep. i will do my best to post more, put pics up when i get time.